Evans: Above

An Australian man is being sued by Speedo after they arbitrarily declared that his bisexual, sex-fetish swimwear website was somehow not in keeping with the image the company wished to portray.

The Sydney Morning Herald has reported that New South Wales resident Dave Evans was contacted by the swimwear firm as a result of a number of websites he has created, including his spectacularly family-unfriendly AussieSpeedoGuy.net blog.

The company claim that the 24 year-old, who describes himself as having a ‘thing’ for Speedos, is guilty of trademark infringement and that it is seeking ‘protect the substantial and valuable reputation and good will associated with the name and trademark Speedo’ from the websites, many of which feature Speedo-themed pornographic activity.

In his defence Mr Evans claimed ‘They have been a major part of my sex life and sexuality’.

Fans of the site were also vociferous in their support, with one telling The Wobbly Block ‘He just set up a website showing a couple of good-looking blokes in Speedos – it’s not as if he’s a middle-aged woman who got caught having sex with a dog’.

Colin Brown, Director of London Swimming and an expert in internet pornography, unfortunately had no comment to make.

In need of a hand: Sun Yang

Concerns have been raised over the fitness of Chinese world swimming champion Sun Yang after one of his bionic arms malfunctioned.

At the World Aquatic Championships in Shanghai the 19 year-old recently broke Grant Hackett’s 1500m world record, previously the longest-held world record in swimming.

It has been suggested that the last 100m of that race, swum in 54.22, may have lead to the subsequent malfunction during a training session. The final 50m, completed in under 26 seconds, is thought to have been particularly demanding on the new, largely-untested technology.

There are concerns that some of the swimmer’s other cybernetic enhancements may now also fail, but the Chinese authorities have insisted all the remaining bionic technology is operating ‘within acceptable parameters’.

Sun has remained completely silent over the situation, but when asked what his goals were for 2012, he simply replied ‘Find Sarah Connor.’

In it for the long runs: Walliams

Comedian David Walliams has successfully completed his attempt to contract chronic diarrhoea in aid of charity.

In order to guarantee that the disease took hold the Little Britain star spent eight consecutive days swimming the length of the River Thames for Sport Relief – a distance of 140 miles.

Previously Walliams had swum across both the English Channel and the Strait of Gibraltar to raise money for the charity, but not in one go.

The 40 year-old is reported to have first come up with the idea of the Diarrhoeathon after reading that people in their seventies were regularly swimming the channel, thus demonstrating how straightforward his previous achievements had become.

His attempt was given a boost by Thames Water when the water company confirmed they had helpfully dumped 500,000 cubic metres of raw sewage into the river in the London area. Other bonuses along the route included swimming near widespread filth in Reading and in close proximity to massive parasites in Windsor.

Members of the public have been urged to join Walliams in ‘Giving a Shit’ by donating money via his official website.

Fan of the pool: Rooney

The future of British swimming has been assured thanks to England international footballer Wayne Rooney.

Respected academic periodical The Sun has reported that the Manchester United forward’s son Kai [sic] is taking swimming lessons close to the family home in Cheshire.

The two year-old is said to very much enjoy swimming and the 30-minute lessons help to build his confidence. At £600 the lessons are clearly designed to fast-track the youngster to aquatic greatness and certainly not priced to simply take advantage of Rooney’s weekly salary of £160,000.

Though British Swimming remain tight-lipped on the subject, attracting the offspring of someone with such conspicuous sporting talent is a major coup and, at a height of 5′ 9″, Rooney senior is not far off the average height for a member of the Olympic swimming team – albeit the women’s team.

‘Usually when Wayne Rooney pays £600 for watersports it something completely different.’ said a source close to the couple, though clearly a different source from the one quoted by The Sun.