Shot: The late Van Wisse

A long-distance swimmer from Australia has reportedly been put down after failing in his attempt at a triple crossing of the English Channel.

John Van Wisse set off from Shakespeare Beach at Dover intending to challenge the triple crossing record of 28 hours and 21 minutes set back in 1987 by fellow Antipodean, Phillip Rush from New Zealand.

The 37 year-old had faced conditions described as ‘atrocious’ during the first two legs, but events then took a deadly twist as the situation worsened yet further.

In a statement the victim’s sister, Tammy Van Wisse, described what happened. ‘The first leg was very choppy and he’d been through quite a lot. We turned around hoping that it would be better, and the second leg really wasn’t much better than the first, in terms of the kind of weather and rough waves that we got, and it really took its toll on him.’

She then ruthlessly and succinctly added ‘He just said he just couldn’t go on any further and he was just shot.’

This is not the first time that a third leg has failed to materialise as a result of cold water, but it is the only recorded incident of a swimmer being euthanased as a result of poor performance, even in Australia.

Dog story: Shaggy

A number of top-level swimmers from across Europe are reported to have had their plans for the European Championships thrown into disarray after it was discovered that Bucharest and Budapest are actually two different places.

The 30th European Swimming Championships have begun in Budapest, in Hungary, but some competitors have found themselves stranded over 500 miles away in Bucharest, Romania, after mistakes in travel planning.

It was hoped that over 1,100 competitors would be travelling from all over the continent to take part in swimming, synchro, diving and open water events, welcomed with the slogan ‘open heart, open mind, open arms’. However, close attention will now inevitably be paid to the precise number who actually arrive in time.

‘As God is my witness I thought they were the same place – like Beijing and Peking!’ said one nation’s team manager before adding ‘Which one do vampires come from?’

Pool sleep: Provided

British swimmers are said to be both delighted and relieved after it was announced that they will finally be provided with sleep for the first time.

The Amateur Swimming Association of Swimming Federations of Great British Swimming (ASASFGBS) has signed a sponsorship agreement with InterContinental Hotels Group (IHG) for an undisclosed fee, making them the Official Sleep Provider for British Swimming.

‘As Official Sleep Provider we hope that they will provide our athletes, staff and club members with the quality rest that they need to perform to their best.’ said Katie Brazier, Director of Sponsorship at the ASASFGBS.

‘I am so grateful, what would we have done without an official sleep provider?  I can’t go without sleep any longer!’ asked one unnamed swimmer through clenched teeth and with bloodshot eyes.

Pool: Burgered

Police in the United States have foiled an ingenious plan to open a burger bar inside a local swimming pool.

In preparation for what was being described as a ‘gala opening’, hamburgers, french fries and even pretzels were thrown into the pool overnight at the WaterWorks Waterpark in Dale City, Virginia.

Unfortunately not everyone was universally impressed by the ingenuity shown, with local law enforcement officers vowing to arrest those responsible.

A reward is on offer for information leading to the identification of the budding entrepreneurs. Meanwhile the park will remain closed until the pool has been thoroughly cleaned.