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A thing of the past: Endorsement tweets

Some of Britain’s top swimmers have been warned about endorsing brands via their personal twitter accounts.

Respected academic periodical The Daily Mail has reported that some celebrities, including many of Britain’s aquatic Olympians, mention individual brands without confirming that they are being paid, either in cash or gifts, by the specific companies involved.

This practice, ‘deceptive advertising’, while common across the internet, is technically against the law and has already been the subject of warnings from the Office of Fair Trading.

In light of these warnings, The Wobbly Block has taken the decision to abandon all its philanthropic plans for gifts in the run-up to the Games, so as not to cause any difficulties for our potential medallists. Dame Rebecca Adlington will no longer be receiving 28 miles of standard-gauge Wobbly Block railway track and Liam Tancock will have to do without 25 Wobbly Block Siamese fighting fish.

Anyone looking to purchase 28 miles of standard-gauge railway track (including sleepers) or over two dozen Siamese fighting fish (not including aquarium) should contact @wobblyblock via twitter.

Swimmer: Winning

After 183 years of waiting, a swimmer has finally triumphed in The Boat Race.

Rowers, the sworn enemies of swimmers, have been successful in each of the previous 157 outings, but on this occasion Trenton Oldfield, a 35 year-old from east London, emerged from the Thames victorious.

Teams from Camford and Oxbridge had valiantly battled through the heats and the qualifying rounds to make final of this year’s contest and both had high hopes of winning.

Many experts believed that Oxbridge’s team of Americans and Australians in their late twenties studying eight-year courses in Aquatic Self-Propulsion might have the edge over Camford’s team of Australians and Americans in their late twenties studying nine-years courses in  Targeted Hydrodynamics.

However, it was Oldfield, representing the London School of Economics and the one person who did not need a boat, who will be taking home the plaudits.

Speaking after his triumph to fans, journalists and the Metropolitan Police, Oldfield said that he hoped to use his success to boost interest in his recently-published manifesto.

The degree to which he succeeds in this aim remains to be seen,  but given the ease with which he achieved his position and the publicity he has attracted, it is likely swimmers will become an annual fixture at the Boat Race in future.

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Shortage: Water

It has been announced that two lanes of London’s Olympic swimming pool are to be emptied in order to save water.

The decision was made in response to the recent introduction of a hosepipe ban across large areas of southern England. Under the controversial plan, the outside lanes 0 and 9 at the London Aquatic Centre will be emptied, while lanes 1 to 8 will be left unaffected.

With no substantial precipitation forecast beyond the usual ongoing drizzle associated with British summers, it is likely that the measures will stay in place well beyond this year’s Olympic and Paralympic events.

The British government has already said that everyone should be ‘smarter about how we use water’ while the drought continues and Olympic officials have emphasised this is the ‘very least they can do’.

Potential Olympics competitors who are worried by the implications of the announcement were originally advised to keep some spare water in a jerrycan in their garage. However, this advice was withdrawn after a woman nearly drowned when trying to decant water from her bath into a carrier bag.

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Too slow: Burnett

A total of 38 swimmers have been named in the British team for the London Olympics after the conclusion of the recent trials at the London Aquatic Centre.

However, despite strong swims from many, there was disappointment for some of the winners as they missed out on the qualification times for the London games.

Amongst those to make it were Fran Halsall and Hannah Miley, who both set the fastest time in the world this year in the 100m free and 200m individual medley, respectively.

Also to qualify was Dame Rebecca Adlington, who booked her place on the team to defend both her 400m and 800m freestyle titles, while Loughborough’s Joe Roebuck will compete in three individual events for the men.

Unfortunately the likes of Simon Burnett were not so successful. The British record holder in the 100m freestyle set a winning of time of 1:49.33 in the final of that event, well outside the qualification time of 1:48.82.  Britain’s male swimmers fared no better in the 50m freestyle, where Adam Brown’s victory in 22.48 fell short of the 22.11 required.

Those missing out on the times will have one more chance to qualify at the ASA National Championships in June. They will have to do it without the sell-out crowd, but on the plus side it is hoped the spectacularly ignorant poolside presenters will also be missing.

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