Bashing: Bishop

The Archbishop of York has proclaimed that gay people should not be allowed to swim.

Dr John Sentamu made the announcement shortly after proclaiming, in an interview with The Daily Telegraph newspaper, that homosexuals should also not be allowed to marry.

In a prepared statement the Church of England’s second most senior cleric, who was born in Uganda, set out in detail the reasons for his latest commandment.

‘To have gay people swimming is against the ancient traditions of the sport. The very sanctity of the pool is compromised by allowing homosexuals to take part.’ he said.

The 62 year-old then added that safety was also a concern. ‘It is well known that gay people have different buoyancy from heterosexuals because of their bone density, plus they have an extra bone in their foot which makes swimming difficult and many of them worry about their hair.’

When pressed to offer evidence in support of his claims, the clergyman pointed out that, as a senior member of the Church of England, he was ‘not in the business of providing evidence to justify things’.

COMEBACK: Despite his efforts, Thorpe discovers he still doesn't fit into his old trunks

CONFIRMED: Competitor proves that he definitely does have drive in the pool

Fastskin3: Launched

Swimwear manufacturer Speedo has launched a series of revolutionary new phrases which it claims will help propel elite swimmers to new levels of performance.

The phrases will enter the English language immediately and have been cleared by FINA for use in competitions from January 1st. Their  launch was also timed to coincide with the worldwide unveiling of the new Fastskin3 range of swimwear and equipment.

‘Revolutionary racing system’ was one of the first such phrases to be unleashed into the public domain. It was quickly followed by ‘full body passive drag reduction’, ‘Intuitive IQ FIT technology’, ‘anatomical marking system’ and ‘oxygen economy’.

However, the pioneers of swimwear technology were not finished, choosing to continue with ‘cohesive, hydrodynamic solution’, ‘innovative 3D Zoned Compression fabric system’, ‘Pulse-Flex Fabric‘ and ‘Body Stability Web‘. Finally, and quite clearly wishing to end things on a high note, they concluded with the beautifully subtle ‘Hair Management System‘ and the truly majestic ‘Armhole Entry system’.

It is hoped all will become common parlance in time for the London Olympics in 2012.

At as much as £435 for the complete set of costume, cap and goggles, ‘absolute bargain’ was certainly not one of the phrases heard at the launch events. However, a spokesperson for Speedo said the company did not give a ‘fully-integrated defecation expulsion scenario’ what ordinary swimmers thought of the price.

Excluded: Dame Rebecca

The British Broadcasting Corporation has added women to the list of groups who will not be allowed to win Sports Personality of the Year.

It has long been known that the BBC award show is biased against anyone from an aquatic discipline, but the exclusion of all women from this year’s shortlist is a new development that has taken many by surprise.

Among those female swimmers to miss out was Dame Rebecca Adlington, who this year became world champion, to add to her two Olympic golds. Keri-Anne Payne, another world championship gold medallist and the first British competitor in any sport to qualify for London 2012, also failed to be selected for the final ten.

The corporation has come under particular criticism for allowing journalists from teenage boy magazines Zoo and Nuts to submit their own shortlists. Such is the strength of feeling that some have already called for female sporting stars to boycott this year’s event.

However, a spokesperson for Zoo categorically denied the magazine was biased against female swimmers, stating: ‘We regularly feature numerous ladies either wearing, or at least having just taken off, some sort of swimming costume and / or bikini and, furthermore, we have not advocated domestic violence against women in nearly 18 months.’

UPDATE: Definitely time for new trunks

Mixed teams: Winner takes it all

Mixed relays could be part of the World Aquatics Championships after a FINA Technical Swimming Committee report recommended they be added to the schedule in time for the 2013 championships in Barcelona.

Relays teams including both male and female swimmers are a regular feature in domestic and masters competitions, but only very rarely feature at elite international level and never at the Olympics or World Championships.

In 2007, Australian Libby Trickett broke the 100m freestyle world record when swimming the first leg of a 4 x 100m freestyle mixed relay against the US at a Duel in the Pool event. However, the record was never ratified as mixed relays were not officially recognised at the time.

A spokesperson for FINA said it was already ‘very common’ for male and female competitors to jointly take part in activities while at swimming competitions, but that this ‘usually’ did not take place in the pool and was ‘seldom’ subject to official timekeeping.

CONFIRMED: Chris Evans found to be even more annoying when swimming

Comeback: Thorpe

Former occasional swimmer Ian Thorpe has stormed to seventh place in his first race since returning to competitive swimming.

The Australian was taking part in the 100m individual medley at a FINA World Cup event in Singapore, having previously swum his last race back in February 2006.

29 year-old Thorpe finished the final in a time of 56.33 seconds, an improvement on his time of 54.74 from the heats, but still some way behind winner Chad Le Clos, the 19 year-old  South African, who finished first in 53.06.

However, it is thought the freestyle specialist will not be too concerned by his performance given that the event is not normally one in which he would compete. Attention is instead likely to focus on the upcoming competition in Tokyo, where Thorpe will race in his newly-favoured 100m freestyle for the first time since the announcement of his return to training back in February.

The six-time Olympic medallist is using the series of races as preparation for returning to the Australian Olympic swimming trials next year and then, should all go to plan, a place at the London Olympics.

If Thorpe fails to achieve his dream of an Olympic comeback it is feared he will have no option remaining but to return to his career as either a celebrity chef or a jewellery designer.

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