Colin Brown: Knows

After over five years, it has been announced that Colin Brown has left his position as Director of London Swimming.

The courageous, strong and indefatigable polymath is joining the Fitness Industry Association, a trade body representing the health and activity industry, as their Director of Engagement.

Those who worked closely with the omniscient leader say the timing of his departure was due entirely to the fact that nothing important was happening in either the London region or the world of swimming over the next few months.

A graduate of Oxford Polytechnic, Heriot-Watt University and, most recently, Anglia Polytechnic, Brown previously worked at the Amateur Rowing Association before abandoning boats for swimming in February 2007.

The Wobbly Block wishes Colin Brown the best of luck in his new role and encourages everyone involved with London Swimming over the last five years to show your gratitude by purchasing a commemorative t-shirt.

Colin Brown unfortunately had no comment to make.

Trial: Judge

British swimming is celebrating the start of what many people are already calling the ‘Trials of the Century’.

Taking place at the brand new London Aquatic Centre, the snappily-entitled British Gas Swimming Championships 2012 (Selection Trials) are the focus of swimming fans throughout the British Isles and beyond.

Among the long list of British aquatic stars competing are Robbie Renwick, Fran Halsall, Liam Tancock and Dame Rebecca Adlington.

All those taking part are hoping to seize the opportunity to secure a one-in-a-lifetime place on the team for their home Olympics, with the possibility of fame, fortune, snubbing by the BBC and insults from a Scottish git awaiting the most successful.

After a predictably farcical first attempt, tickets for all eight days of competition completely sold out weeks in advance. However, fans unable to attend will reportedly be able to watch the action on the BBC via the red button. Unfortunately, when the Wobbly Block staff pressed the red button on their television it just switched off as normal.

Colin Brown, an expert on swimming in London, unfortunately had no comment to make. The trials continue.

Bashing: Bishop

The Archbishop of York has proclaimed that gay people should not be allowed to swim.

Dr John Sentamu made the announcement shortly after proclaiming, in an interview with The Daily Telegraph newspaper, that homosexuals should also not be allowed to marry.

In a prepared statement the Church of England’s second most senior cleric, who was born in Uganda, set out in detail the reasons for his latest commandment.

‘To have gay people swimming is against the ancient traditions of the sport. The very sanctity of the pool is compromised by allowing homosexuals to take part.’ he said.

The 62 year-old then added that safety was also a concern. ‘It is well known that gay people have different buoyancy from heterosexuals because of their bone density, plus they have an extra bone in their foot which makes swimming difficult and many of them worry about their hair.’

When pressed to offer evidence in support of his claims, the clergyman pointed out that, as a senior member of the Church of England, he was ‘not in the business of providing evidence to justify things’.

Fastskin3: Launched

Swimwear manufacturer Speedo has launched a series of revolutionary new phrases which it claims will help propel elite swimmers to new levels of performance.

The phrases will enter the English language immediately and have been cleared by FINA for use in competitions from January 1st. Their  launch was also timed to coincide with the worldwide unveiling of the new Fastskin3 range of swimwear and equipment.

‘Revolutionary racing system’ was one of the first such phrases to be unleashed into the public domain. It was quickly followed by ‘full body passive drag reduction’, ‘Intuitive IQ FIT technology’, ‘anatomical marking system’ and ‘oxygen economy’.

However, the pioneers of swimwear technology were not finished, choosing to continue with ‘cohesive, hydrodynamic solution’, ‘innovative 3D Zoned Compression fabric system’, ‘Pulse-Flex Fabric‘ and ‘Body Stability Web‘. Finally, and quite clearly wishing to end things on a high note, they concluded with the beautifully subtle ‘Hair Management System‘ and the truly majestic ‘Armhole Entry system’.

It is hoped all will become common parlance in time for the London Olympics in 2012.

At as much as £435 for the complete set of costume, cap and goggles, ‘absolute bargain’ was certainly not one of the phrases heard at the launch events. However, a spokesperson for Speedo said the company did not give a ‘fully-integrated defecation expulsion scenario’ what ordinary swimmers thought of the price.