Confusion: Leeds

The Amateur Swimming Association of Swimming Federations of Great British Swimming (ASASFGBS) have admitted that mistakes were made over sponsorship arrangements for the forthcoming GB Masters and Senior Age Group Championships in Leeds.

The ASASFGB had originally hoped to confirm what was reported to be a ‘significant’ sponsorship deal with Digitas, a global advertising agency that provides integrated strategy, technology and marketing solutions to leading internet-based, e-commerce companies.

Unfortunately, only after contracts were signed was it discovered that ASASFGB representatives had instead entered into an agreement with Dignitas, the Swiss assisted dying group that helps those with terminal illness and severe physical and mental illnesses to die assisted by qualified doctors and nurses.

It is yet unclear how the situation will be resolved, but event organisers are said to be very concerned.

‘This is certainly not the kind of message we want to be sending out, particularly at a masters event,’ said a spokesperson for the ASASFGBS, ‘but on the plus side, they are paying a fair bit of money. So . . . well . . . you know, every cloud.’

Arse kicking: Andy Hunt

The long-running dispute between the British Olympic Association and the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games has ended after the two sides had a fight.

The argument originally began over eighteen months ago when the British Olympic Association (BOA) questioned how any surplus money from the London Olympics would be distributed. The BOA magnanimously announced that their 20% should be calculated before the cost of the Paralympic Games was taken into account.

When LOCOG refused to alter the previously agreed financial arrangements hostilities escalated. Eventually the International Olympic Committee became involved, along with the British Government, the Court of Arbitration for Sport, the United Nations Security Council and NATO.

Finally the two sides decided to settle things ‘once and for all’ in the time-honoured fashion of gentlemanly fisticuffs. In the ensuing contest Sebastian ‘Lord of the Rings’ Coe, brawling for LOCOG, is reported to have ‘thoroughly bested’ BOA chief executive Andy ‘Rhyming Slang’ Hunt.

‘I am glad this issue has been put behind us and we can all get on with delivering Games next year that will make this country proud,’ said LOCOG Chief Executive Paul Deighton, adding ‘and you can come and have a go again, if you think you’re hard enough!’

Colin Brown, Director of London Swimming and an expert in conflict resolution, unfortunately had no comment to make.