UKIP: Unlucky three times

Colin Brown, omniscient polymath and Director of London Swimming, is once again aiming to be elected to the House of Commons at the upcoming General Election.

Standing for the United Kingdom Independence Party, the former rower has previously been unsuccessful at the 2005, 2001 and 1997 General Elections, but this has in no way affected his determination to make it fourth time lucky on May 6th.

Once again he will be standing in the Luton North constituency where he hopes to beat five other candidates and overturn a majority of nearly 6,500 for sitting Labour MP Kelvin Hopkins. Brown has managed to increase his share of the vote with each successive election and now only needs approximately a fifteen-fold increase in his level of support to stand a chance of victory.

Also hoping to stand at the General Election was Matthew Syed, nemesis of former British Swimming National Performance Director Bill Sweetenham. However, the journalist and former table tennis international failed to be selected as the Labour Party candidate for Middlesbrough.

Colin Brown unfortunately had no comment to make, but you can show your support for his election campaign with the purchase of an official campaign t-shirt.

Podium: Owned

Following on from success for the host nation at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, British Swimming has announced its total commitment to embrace Canada’s Own the Podium approach in 2012.

Thanks at least in part to Own the Podium, the Olympic hosts became the most successful country ever to stage the games, in terms of gold medals won, and British Swimming is said to be keen to learn all it can in time for the London Olympics.

However, the host’s much-documented tactics proved to be highly controversial in certain quarters, with some even going as far as unfairly suggesting that it may have played a role in causing the death of Georgian competitor Nodar Kumaritashvili – a claim the Canadians strongly refute.

Undeterred by such unjustified scaremongering, officials from Loughborough are said to be particularly interested in replicating the Vancouver Organising Committee’s reported policy of restricting access to Olympic venues for visiting nations.

As such, in the run-up to the London summer games only British swimmers will be allowed to swim at the London Aquatic Centre, resulting in what officials are calling ‘a significant advantage’ over competitors from other countries.

‘By the time 2012 arrives our swimmers will be very familiar with all aspects of our new Olympic pool.’ read an official statement posted somewhere on the British Swimming website. ‘Every lane rope, every tile, every unidentified ball of hair – British swimmers will know them all. The advantage this provides us over our opponents will be unassailable. We will own our own podium. All we have to fear are fitter, faster, more determined swimmers. What could possibly go wrong?’

Colin Brown, Director of London Swimming and an expert on Canadian tactical manoeuvring, unfortunately had no comment to make.