Parties: You've got to fight for your right

With not long remaining until the General Election, Britain’s major political parties are turning their attention to winning the all-important ‘swimmer vote’.

Opinion polls have indicated the race between the Conservatives, Labour and the Liberal Democrats is the closest it has ever been, meaning that every single vote will count (obviously except for those not living in a marginal constituency).

Along with Worcester Woman, Motorway Man and Over-Zealous Daily Mail Reader, party strategists have identified swimmers as an absolutely key demographic, essential for election victory.

David Cameron’s manifesto pledge to bring back full-body suits for use in competition was seen as an early move to win this specific group over. This was swiftly followed by Gordon Brown making repeated reference to the ‘significant real-terms increase in the amount of Olympic gold medals won under this Labour Government’. Nick Clegg, meanwhile, claimed that ‘bickering between Labour and Conservatives’ would ‘not get more 50m pools built any faster’.

On election night itself all eyes are likely to be closely watching CNN, who have booked a masters swimmer to provide expert analysis. Only then will the parties know if efforts to woo their aquatic targets have been successful.

In the interests of fairness and balance it should be noted that other political parties are also standing in seats across Britain at the upcoming election. These include the Green Party lead by Caroline Lucas, who is standing in Brighton Pavilion, The United Kingdom Independence Party lead by Nigel Farage, who only has one testicle, and the British National Party lead by Nick Griffin, who is a racist arsehole.

Merritt: Still can't see it

Olympic track champion LaShawn Merritt failed three successive drugs tests after taking an over-the-counter penis enlargement product.

The 400m world and Olympic gold medallist clearly felt that confessing to having a small penis was preferable to suspicions of cheating, astutely observing that he had behaved in a ‘foolish, immature and egotistical’ manner. Despite his admission he is now suspended from competition and faces a two-year ban.

Doug Logan, CEO of USA Track and Field, said that Merritt ‘has now put his entire career under a cloud and in the process made himself the object of jokes,’ adding that he was ‘disgusted by this entire episode.’

The male enhancement product in question has been identified as ExtenZe. However, this recent event shows that taking any medication advertised on the internet as promising a ‘27% increase in size‘ may not be a spectacularly good idea after all.

It is not known how many top-level swimmers are taking penis enlargement medication but officials say that, thanks to new suit designs, it should be relatively easy to determine how widespread the practice is.

Ash: Volcanic

The recent cloud of volcanic ash covering most of northern Europe has lead to widespread chaos and left some swimmers unable to train.

With many thousands of flights grounded, swimmers stranded in foreign countries unable to either fly or pay for a £3,300 taxi have been the worst hit. However, even some swimmers with no immediate need to be airborne are also reported to have suffered difficulties in attending training, thanks to the effects of the Eyjafjallajoekull eruption.

Even short car journeys are said to have proved difficult for a minority, particularly during the recent periods of unseasonally sunny weather over the weekend. With the Meteorological Office forecasting no respite there is uncertainty over when such swimmers will finally be able to return to the pool.

‘As God is my witness, I really tried to get to training, but, well, you know, there was all that ash and stuff.’ said one swimmer who asked to remain anonymous after speaking to The Wobbly Block via telephone from the beer garden of a local pub.