A riot: I predict it

Widespread violence has erupted in London, Loughborough, Plymouth and Sheffield as supporters of all aquatic disciplines have taken to the streets to protest against the disgraceful result of the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award.

Tom Daley, the 15 year-old world 10m platform diving champion, inexplicably lost out in the annual contest to occasional footballer Ryan Giggs.

Daley had to instead make do with the deeply patronising consolation of the Young Personality of the Year award – which he had already won back in 2007, prior to becoming Britain’s youngest ever Olympian last year and youngest ever world champion this year.

Those taking part in the direct action have been vociferous in their condemnation of the national broadcaster.

‘It was bad enough last year when Michael Phelps did not win Overseas Personality, but this is just completely unacceptable. I want my licence fee back.’ shouted one rioting swimmer whilst repeatedly throwing bricks at a line of police officers.

‘He is a world champion – a champion of the entire world – at the age of 15. The age of 15! One Five! 15! World champion!’ added another rioter before hurling a petrol bomb at television centre.

British Swimming has so far refused to publicly condone the recent events. ‘Sorry, I was watching X-Factor. What happened?’ asked Chiefly Executive David Sparkes.

Exercise: Over

Some people may be developing arthritis as a result of too much exercise according to a new scientific report.

The University of California found that people aged 45 to 55 who did the most exercise were also the most likely to suffer damage  to their knees, leading to osteoarthritis. Activities such as ‘running and jumping’, often referred to as hurdles in athletics, were found to be particularly risky.

The news was positive for swimmers, however, as it was emphasised that swimming, along with cycling, could be beneficial in preventing the disease. Masters swimmers particularly are thought to be at the least risk given their aquatic activities are usually coupled with a well-documented aversion to excessive exercise. Triathletes, in contrast, have been advised to simply conclude their events after the second leg.

Results from the survey received a mixed reaction from experts in the field. ‘We have known for years that certain high impact sports and jobs are associated with an increased risk of osteoarthritis, particularly of the knee.’ said a conspicuously unimpressed spokesperson for the Arthritis Research Campaign.

London Swimming’s Colin Brown, an expert in gluteus maximus pain, unfortunately had no comment to make.