Americans: Boat no longer needed

In a tribute to the American War of Independence the United States are set to do battle against combined forces from Europe.

However, as the announcements of the teams show, the Americans are not going to be relying on the French to win this time around. In contrast, Britain and Germany are looking to the Italians for additional help on this occasion.

The competition, dubbed ‘The Duel in the Pool‘ is to take place in Manchester and will feature such aquatic luminaries as Michael Phelps, Katie Hoff, Federica Pellegrini and Britain’s very own Dame Rebecca Adlington.

Competition organisers were nothing more than vague in their answers when asked about the overt militaristic overtones of the event and paying tribute to a war where over 50,000 people died. ‘The what?’ a spokesperson cryptically replied, before putting the phone down.

Similarly, neither team has so far commented on whether they will be opting for swords or pistols when they take part in the duel.

Suits: A steal

Great deals on cutting-edge swimming suits mean that competitive swimmers will have huge savings to look forward to as the festive period approaches.

Eager shoppers looking for a bargain will be able to benefit from a range of massive reductions including, a male Speedo LZR Racer suit, as worn by Michael Phelps for each of his record-breaking eight gold medals in 2008, on sale for as little as £156.60 – exactly half the original price.

For women who perhaps want to cover a little more of their body a Speedo FS II Fastskin full-body suit with arms is being sold for only $200 – another saving of 50%. However, women competitors can save even more money if they choose an Arena Powerskin suit, available for only £55, reduced from £220.

‘I am delighted.’ said one delighted swimming parent. ‘My young son had asked for a pair of Speedo jammers for Christmas, but now I’ve found I can buy him a top-of the range full-body suit instead. I know he will be speechless.’

Many stockists are only too happy to promote their deals well in advance of the traditional January sales. Derek Trotter from Trotters’ Independent Trading, a swimsuit wholesaler from Peckham, described the potential savings on his products as ‘lovely jubbly’ and invited potential buyers to ‘roll up, roll up’.

Computer games: Healthy

Respected scientific journal The Daily Mail has suggested that playing on a Nintendo Wii games console may provide as much exercise as swimming.

The findings are the result of a study conducted at the National Institute of Health and Nutrition in Tokyo. It discovered that one third of games on the Wii require a metabolic equivalent value (MET) of three or more. One game, the single-arm stand on Wii Fit, scores as high as 5.6 – higher than the supposed score of 5.0 for swimming.

Dr. Motohiko Miyachi, lead author of the study, described the Wii as a ‘very easy and fun way to start exercising’, adding that it ‘may contribute to prevention of cardiovascular diseases’. The fact that the study was funded by Nintendo was dismissed as ‘utterly irrelevant’ by those at Nintendo who funded the study.

In response to the findings, British Swimming has strongly advised people not to attempt to boost their fitness level further by playing games on a Wii and swimming at the same time.

Colin Brown, London Swimming Director and an expert is such matters, confirmed that ‘having a Wii in a swimming  pool is never a good idea’.

Water: Baby

The French Swimming Federation has taken the extraordinary step of making their first team selection for the 2028 Olympic games.

The selected swimmer, the as-yet unborn progeny of Olympic Champion Laure Manaudou and French sprinter Frederic Bousquet, is expected to compete in the 50m, 100m, 200m and 400m freestyle, but it is not yet known whether that will be in the men’s or women’s events.

A spokesman denied that the selection was a little premature saying ‘it’s obvious to anyone with even half a brain that the child will be an aquatic genius, so we saw little point in waiting until the actual year of the Olympics before confirming the selection.’

The source went on to explain the French plans for completing the team. ‘All we need to do now is set up Alain Bernard with Coralie Balmy and the medals will come rolling in.’