Phelps: Apologetic

Fourteen-time Olympic gold medallist Michael Phelps has been preparing to set out his ambitions for 2012.

The American has made it clear that although he has achieved much in his 24 years, there is still a great deal that he looks forward to apologising for in the future.

After the Athens games in 2004 he successfully achieved his aim of apologising for a combination of a drink driving offence and underage drinking in his native Baltimore.

However, this subsequently proved to be little more than a warm-up with far great apology achievements coming after Beijing.

Phelps began by apologising for being photographed smoking cannabis at a party. This was followed up with news that he had successfully completed ‘contemporaneous sexual activities’ with two employees of a lap-dancing establishment. The hat-trick was then fulfilled with a textbook car accident for good measure.

Fans now eagerly anticipate what Phelps will be apologising for next, with bookmakers taking bets on a variety of possible options.

However, the activities of the world’s most successful Olympian have not always met with universal praise. In a rather surprising development, after issuing his recent statement apologising for ‘bad judgement’ Phelps lost his sponsorship contract with Kellogs.

A spokesperson for Kelloggs said his actions were ‘not consistent with the image of Kelloggs’, adding ‘the last thing we want is for anyone to think it is normal behaviour to munch on Kelloggs cereals after smoking marijuana’.

When asked to respond Phelps said ‘Yeah baby! Woooooo! I’m 24, a gazillionnaire and I had a threesome with a pair of strippers! High five! Come on, don’t leave me hanging.’ However, he did subsequently apologise for not actually being able to hear the question over the sound of his own awesomeness.

Baiting: Master

A team competing at the World Masters Games in Sydney has been forced to change their name.

The Greymouth Master Baiters, a masters netball team from Greymouth on the west coast of New Zealand, have been told by event organisers that they will not be allowed to compete at the competition unless they choose a different moniker.

In light of the ruling, the South Island team have reluctantly adopted the Master Netters as an alternative that still retains a strong reference to their town’s long-standing associations with whitebait fishing.

‘It’s political correctness gone mad!’ said Thor Hungstallion, captain of the Auckland Rimjobs, in response to the announcement.

Colin Brown, director of London Swimming and the world’s leading expert on what is offensive, refused to comment.

Confusion: Swimming pool and toilet

A recent survey has found that nearly one in five Americans has urinated in a swimming pool.

The nationwide survey was conducted on behalf of the Water Quality and Health Council and found that 17% of respondents confessed to pool-based urination. In addition 35% of those surveyed said they entered the pool without showering first.

In response to the damning findings, America’s Center (sic) for Disease Control has published a number of tips for healthy swimming. ‘Don’t swim when you have diarrhoea’ topped the CDC’s at times rather obvious list. Sadly the survey did not provide information on the percentage of Americans who had failed to follow that particular guideline.

Although statistics are not available on the prevalence of such unhygienic behaviour outside America, other countries will be concerned in light of recent health scares over Swine Flu, the norovirus, E. coli, Trench Foot and chlamydia.

In the UK a process has begun to improve pool cleanliness for competitive swimmers of all ages. British Swimming’s National Performance Director said ‘Hi! I’m Michael Scott! British Swimming believes that every swimmer should always uphold the highest standards of hygiene. It is never acceptable to urinate in a swimming pool, even if you are leading in the final length of a 1500m. Similarly there are absolutely no circumstances in which a Code Brown should be used as a race tactic.’