Olympic swimmer communicates only in quotes

Anonymous: Competitor

Anonymous: Competitor

A competitor has arrived at the London Olympics speaking only through the medium of motivational sporting quotes, causing alarm among officials and the assembled press corps.

The male swimmer, who team managers have asked to remain anonymous, was discovered during a routine press conference at the athlete’s village. Suspicions were first raised when he was asked by a reporter what the facilities were like for those staying in the village.

‘Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence (Vince Lombardi).’ was the reply. It was then followed by ‘It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret (Jackie Joyner-Kersee).’ in answer to a question about the food.

Perhaps most worrying was when he was asked what he thought of his room-mate, the unnamed competitor repled: ‘The vision of a champion is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when nobody else is looking (Mia Hamm).’

Nobody is certain of the cause of the condition. However, games officials have asked for the competitor to be given privacy at this difficult time, particularly in light of his belief that ‘mental will is a muscle that needs exercise, just like muscles of the body (Lynn Jennings).’

Games Lanes opened at London Aquatic Centre

Clearly marked: Games Lanes

Clearly marked: Games Lanes

It has been confirmed that three of the ten lanes of the competition pool at the London Aquatic Centre have been designated special Games Lanes.

The lanes are part of a wider Olympic transport plan that came into operation across many parts of London today, including 30 miles of roads in central London. So far the only disruption and delays have occurred away from the Aquatic Centre, with organisers confident they can keep any inconvenience to a minimum.

Much like the special arrangements on London’s roads, the Games Lanes in the swimming pool will help to ease the movement of competitors, games organisers, VIPs, corrupt sports administrators, relatives of despotic dictators and other members of the Olympic Family.

Anyone caught swimming in the clearly-marked lanes will be fined £130.

Disappointment Britain ‘not like Game of Thrones’

Bean: And Gone

Bean: And Gone

A large number of people arriving in Britain for the 2012 London Olympics are said to be disappointed that the country is not more like the hit TV series Game of Thrones.

The wildly-popular and critically-lauded HBO series is reported to have lead many spectators and competitors alike to expect Britain to be at least broadly similar to the historical-fantasy realm depicted in the show.

‘When I got to London I was like “Where are my dragons?”’ said one Olympic competitor. ‘I was all set to see like sword fighting, kids on horseback and dudes in suits of armour. There was hardly any of that – but I did see a castle that, I swear to God, must have been like over 100 years old and loads of drunk women who wanted to show me their breasts, just like in the show.’

Another fan was more positive, telling The Wobbly Block: ‘I landed at Heathrow and there was this massive dark-skinned guy checking my bags. He didn’t speak any English so I assumed he must be a Dothraki from across the Narrow Sea, but in fact he was from a tribe called G4S. He didn’t notice me bringing my large sword and shield into the country though, so I’m happy.’

Revered historian and pantomime racist David Starkey was quick to clarify the issue. ‘Only an imbecile would believe this literary construct to be an accurate representation of Britannia.’ he said, in reaction to the reports. ‘The only similarities are the prevalence of incest amongst the ruling elite and a head of state having no democratic right to rule, obviously.’

Olympics already proves to be inspiring exercise

Internet experts: All his friends agree

Internet expert: All his ‘friends’ agree

The London Olympics have already inspired some Britons to previously unknown levels of exercise as over-weight, wheezing, chronically-unfit professional complainers take to internet message boards, newspaper comment pages and twitter to criticise every single aspect of the 2012 Games.

Many such individuals, whose only previous experiences of exercising had been limited to masturbation and chewing, are now benefiting from an aerobic workout, thanks to the effort involved in producing their endless, ill-conceived, imbecilic diatribes about the once-in-a-generation event.

Specifically, the process of vigorously typing such furious indignation has been observed to result in sweating, shortness of breath, a significant rise in pulse rate and frothing at the mouth. For some people, the benefits of this exercise are so extreme that they can be felt in the elasticated waistband of their mail-order trousers.

Speaking from Benidorm via the Daily Mail website, one such commentator said: ‘I think it’s an absolute disgrace that my tax would have been spent on these so-called “games”. Every right-minded person knows they are only of interest to the kind of do-gooding liberal who doesn’t get out of breath when walking up the stairs.’

Other popular words utilised in related comments include ‘fury’, ‘EUSSR’ and ‘Nu Liebor’ – with over 80% describing the unparalleled celebration of global sporting achievement as ‘political correctness gone mad’.